


Mine

by Ciggy Burns (ciggyburns)



Category: The L Word
Genre: Alternate Canon, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-05
Updated: 2014-04-05
Packaged: 2018-01-18 07:15:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1419348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ciggyburns/pseuds/Ciggy%20Burns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shane tries to make sense of things, after a tragic accident puts her and Jenny at odds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

" _I'm always gonna be there for you."_

 

Jenny's voice, soft and floating like a haunted whisper, permeated the fretful vestiges of Shane's sleepless night.She tossed and turned against the cool bedsheets and punched her pillow with the built up frustrations of a woman teetering on the brink of insanity. Nearly a month had passed since Bette and Tina's going away party, and yet she found herself back to square one, with more questions than answers. And like all the nights that came before and after, she would claim no peace. Shane slipped from bed, clicking on her stereo in the corner and grabbed an open tin of marijuana from the nightstand. She made her way to a wooden rocking chair by the window, propping her feet onto its matching ottoman and began rolling a joint as the melodious sounds of Bob Marley & the Wailers drifted from her stereo speakers. Sealing the paper with a lick, she slipped it between her lips, her eyes moving up and out into the night-the sensation was immediate. She let it take her past Bette and Tina's privacy gate to the open sky, hoping for that one bright star that would lead her to the place that would free her of her inner demons. But even a mellow trip with _Marley_ couldn't erase Shane's past or her present.

  _Memories_...of her visits to the hospital, fruitless and agonizing after the _incident,_ wove through her mind like flawed tapestries of a life filled with sorrow.

_Duty bound by a friendship she once treasured and something more, Shane spent her days after the party trudging through mirrored scenes from her past; of Cherie and back alley drug exchanges, of indecision and over indulgence - and even when her body had told her she had had more than she could handle, her mind wouldn't let go, until it gave her no choice but to._

She took another drag from the joint then withdrew. Her thoughts wandering again, she recalled the day she decided to see Jenny.

_Laying naked on Cherie Jaffe's bear skin rug, Shane quietly sunk into the moment. Clearing her head of all the bullshit that had transpired, she threaded her free hand through Cherie's soft wisps of strawberry blond hair as her lover flicked an eager tongue across her most intimate place. Shane arched into the pleasure, her body radiating to the crescendo of an earth shattering climax. Awash in lust, her eyes rolled to the ceiling, focusing on something she hadn't before-a small hole, with squiggly cracks spreading out from its center. She stared at it, her eyes never leaving its flawed beauty not even when Cherie's pouty rosebud of a mouth found it's way around her stiff nipple for one last round before lunch time-afterward, she knew what had to be done._

_Shit!_  The joint had burnt to its end stinging her; she winced as she brought her fingertip to her lips and sucked. The momentary lift she had gotten from the pot dulled and sleep was still elusive. She contemplated sparking another one but reached for her pack of cigarettes instead.

The evening sprinklers had come on, spraying a thin mist of water across the back lawn. Shane opened the window, the midnight air sharpening her senses as she fought off the memories of things she would rather forget...

_Swallowing her fears, like she did all those years ago when Dana was sick, Shane carried her feet through the hospital's wide corridors on a visit to see Jenny. But it wasn't friendship nor guilt that lured her; it was the anger bubbling in her gut that threatened to spill over each time she thought of how her former lover and wavering friend had betrayed her. 'Why?' her inner voice wanted answers, so she prepared her mind and reeled in her emotions as she rounded the corner to Jenny's hospital room._

Back in her bedroom, the air grew cooler than expected. Shane drew her long legs to her chest, reaching for the cigarette she'd lit now burnt out in a nearby ashtray. She fired up a new one and closed her eyes, remembering the day after her first visit with Jenny. _Fuck her_ , she had thought.

 _Jenny, the manipulator, the liar, the egoist and the masochist, laying catatonic and unable to focus on anyone or anything except for the wall across the room_.

Although in the beginning Shane struggled with the guilt of her conflicted feelings, after a while, what she had wanted most was her friend back.

" _Come back to me," she pleaded from the side of Jenny's hospital bed._

In Shane's room, the silence was more than she could bear. She looked over to her bed wanting to dive into its ocean of blue comfort. Deciding to give sleep another try, she put out her second cigarette and clicked off the stereo. She crossed the room and climbed over the edge of the bed, her mind bogged down with the weight of her troubles. As she tried to relax against the billowy embrace of her blanket, her thoughts wandered once more to Jenny.

_It had been three weeks since Shane's first visit with Jenny in the hospital. Each day seemed no different from the last. There, the two of them sat, the secrets of their hearts held tight from the other. But this time, Shane came bearing gifts. Clutched to her breasts was Jenny's picture journal; the one she'd made years ago, after they'd discovered that their former roommate, Mark, had planted hidden cameras all over their house. It had been a hard time for Jenny, her threadbare emotions made gestures of understanding and comfort difficult - even for one as accommodating as Shane. But they had gotten through and were stronger for it, and although Shane remained friends with Mark, Jenny never stood in the way. It was in the aftermath of that, when Shane realized she felt something different for Jenny than just a close friendship and eventually she began to fantasize about them having more._

The window shutters banged against the wall jolting Shane from her daydreams. She quickly shut them and returned to bed, along the way thinking back to the moment earlier that day when she gave Jenny the book.

_Shane stood at the foot of Jenny's hospital bed, her solemn eyes gazing down at the woman she had shared fragile pieces of her heart with, ones that even the closest of her former lovers had never been able to grasp. It seemed as though she and Jenny were bonded in blood and sisterhood; in more than friendship but still less than all consuming love. She couldn't pull away, at least not yet._

_She moved closer, placing the book on the table beside Jenny's bed. Shane studied her friend, looking for a sign of recognition in her vacant eyes but found nothing, so she tried a new approach. She ran her hand along the goose pimples that had formed on Jenny's arm, hoping that she could spark a dormant flame from the mere touch of her fingertips._

_Nothing._

_Her heart sank, and instead of enduring the pain longer than she had to, she turned to leave. With each footfall toward the door, sadness replaced the anger that still lingered only moments before._

_But as she reached for the handle, she heard a soft yet familiar voice call to her from behind._

" _Shane--"_

_Without hesitation Shane pivoted back toward the bed. There was Jenny, blue eyes gazing up with an adoration and love that nearly broke Shane's heart because she knew that no matter what came after, it didn't necessarily mean they could go back to the way they were._

"Jenny... _" Shane replied, but couldn't find her voice to say more._

" _You're still mine?" Jenny asked, her voice groggy and child-like._

_The question sent Shane reeling; she didn't know what to say. 'Was Jenny just being Jenny?' she asked herself or was there more behind her bold emotional appeal? And how could she respond to something she didn't have the answer to yet? Shane did the only thing she knew how to do, she turned and walked away-_

_Moving with lightning speed, she pushed through the hospital's double doors, her throat closing in with anxiety. How could the universe ask someone like her to be the guardian of such a fragile being? Jenny's words rolled around in her mind, riding her every thought all the way home; driving her insane. As she crossed the threshold into their house something connected that hadn't before..._

Shane sat up against the pillows rubbing her heavy eyes. She felt the truth pass through her, beautiful yet chilling like a ghost from the past. She opened herself to it, and with acceptance came the beginning of what felt like _peace_. As she drifted into a much welcomed sleep, she knew this much was true-

Jenny was still hers.


	2. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jenny lashes out. Later, a tender moment brings her closer to Shane.

Shane froze in the doorway as she watched Jenny look from Bette to Tina.

"Considering how you nearly killed me, Bette, I don't think we have anything to say to one another," Jenny said, as she crossed the threshold into her home.

Shane sat Jenny's bags inside the entryway, shooting Tina an empathetic glance but Bette would not be deterred.

"Just listen to me for a minute," Bette said ignoring Jenny's snark-filled remark.

Shane watched as Bette followed Jenny into into the living area, her designer heels clicking loudly against the hardwood flooring.

"Tina and I never meant for this to happen," Bette replied.

"We would never do anything to hurt you," added Tina by the bookshelf as she held the hand of her fidgety daughter, Angelica.

"It was an accident. I _know_ you know that," Bette continued.

Shane looked to Jenny, whose blue eyes darkened as they traveled over to Bette still waiting for a reply. She felt the tension in the room thicken, it was her turn to speak up but she never got the chance. Jenny turned to her; eyes heavy with sadness...

"I'd like you to ask them to leave now," she said.

Shane was speechless, she didn't know what to say or do. It seemed as though her love for Jenny was always in the way of her loyalty to her friends. She felt helpless, she moved to Jenny's side, ready to play the peacemaker once again.

"Hey guys, maybe we should talk about this tomorrow, once things settle down a bit."

A contrite Bette gathered her belongings from the loveseat.

Shane noticed Jenny sway a bit. She immediately went to her, grabbing her hand and drawing her close. She whispered against her ear, "I think you need to rest. I'll handle this," and then she added, "I promise."

Jenny stared back, confusion swirling in the depths of her eyes. "I'm sorry-I-oh my god! what's happening?" she asked while Shane guided her to the Sofa.

Shane panicked, fearing Jenny was having an episode, she struggled to remember the instructions the doctors had given her. She glanced over at Bette and Tina, each with a hand on Angelica as they talked quietly by the bookshelf. They hadn't noticed _or were too angry to care_ what was happening across the room and for once Shane was relieved for that. She kept watch out the corner of her eye, while discreetly attending to Jenny, although she wasn't sure how long she could keep the truth from them. _No,_ she thought, it wasn't the right time and Jenny had swore her to secrecy but with Jenny's memory being so inconsistent, Shane wondered if the promise she made even mattered.

"Maybe we should go," Tina said, looking in Shane's direction.

Bette took a deep breath, then lowered her head. Shane knew that look too well and it seemed things were far from over.

"We're leaving now. We'll talk about this later, okay?"

"Yes, of course," Shane replied, willing to say anything to get them out the door.

On the sofa Jenny slumped against her shoulder. "I don't feel so good," she said. "I think I'm going to rest now."

"Is she okay?" Tina asked, concerned flashing in her eyes.

"Yes, she's just tired. It's been a long day - a lot of excitement and well..." she replied. Another lie but what could she do?

Shane jumped from the couch, eager to walk Bette and Tina to the door. On their way out, Tina handed Angelica over to Bette, then turned to Shane.

"If there's anything you need..." she said.

"I know," replied Shane, avoiding her friend's eyes. She sighed as she closed the door behind them, her head throbbing with the knowledge that she might never get a chance to tell them the truth and that _tomorrow_ might never come.

 

****

 

Shane put Jenny to bed then busied herself with anything she could find to distract her thoughts from what fate had in store for them. As the sun descended over the horizon, she returned to the bedroom to find Jenny stirring against the bed sheets. She rushed to her side, a cup of warm tea waiting in her hand.

"Thank you," Jenny said, her voice gruff and broken from sleep as she took the cup from Shane's hand.

Shane brushed a finger across her friend's cheek and wondered if this might be the last time they would ever be this close to one another.

"Come sit down," Jenny said, patting the space beside her in bed.

Shane obliged, grabbing a copy of The Sum of Her Parts from the nearby night table. She flipped open the book, doing something that had become an afternoon routine since their reconciliation at the hospital - she read aloud. As Jenny sipped her tea, Shane turned the pages, finding herself falling deeper into the prose; the words rolling off her tongue like slow moving honey. It was then, in that moment, that she truly understood the depth and soul that Jenny had poured into her debut novel; the feeling was bittersweet.

After a while, Shane noticed Jenny's discomfort and decided to put it away. She focused an eye on her and wondered what she was thinking.

"Would you like to rest some more?" Shane asked, as she slid the book into the bottom drawer of the night table.

"No, I'm fine," Jenny replied. "I'm sick of sleeping, I feel like I should be doing something—anything but laying in bed."

Shane wanted to ask about earlier but feared it could trigger another episode, she held back.

"Hey, what about a bath? That might relax you," she suggested instead.

"You know what--I think that's a good idea." A warmth broke through Jenny's bleak expression. "But _after_ dinner, I'm starving," she said in a nasally child like voice that made Shane smile and reminded her of the days before the accident.

"Okay, let's do that." But inside Shane wondered if there would ever come a time where they could talk about what had happened and if not, could she live with the fact that she might never know Jenny's true heart.

 

****

 

After dinner, night settled over them with an agonizing quiet that threatened to squeeze the life out of Shane. All the years she had lived in excess of partying and fluttering from one partner to another, she never imagined she would ever face what she was dealing with now. Someone, she had invested more of herself into than anyone else, might not be around to see her through what she hoped would be the happier moments of her life. The feeling left her raw and broken.

Shane watched as Jenny undressed across the room; Her eyes grazed over the soft angles of her lover's body, tucking them away in her mind for another time when she might need the memory to comfort her. She paused as Jenny's hand trailed along a dark spot on her upper thigh.

"It's healing well," Shane said of the long bluish scar on Jenny's right leg.

Jenny nodded in reply, looking down as she traced the scar with her finger.

Shane drank in the sight of Jenny's nude silhouette by the window and for the first time that week, she allowed her mind to relax and hung on to a slither of hope that things might turn out differently. She felt a smile on the tip of her lips as Jenny moved slowly toward her. Showing little sign of her delicate state, she lowered herself to the edge of the bed, resting her head in Shane's lap.

Shane looked down at Jenny, laying so fragile and docile against her lap. How could she begin to address the issues that lingered between them? She stroked her hair, listening to the faint sound of running water coming from the bathroom. "I think your bath is ready," she said.

Jenny took a deep breath, her fingers picking at the inseam of Shane's black trousers. As she lifted her head from Shane's lap, a twinkle of mischief lit the center of her eyes.

Will you join me?"

 

****

 

Shane lathered soap onto Jenny's pale back, waiting for the right moment to bring up what had been weighing on her mind for days. She kissed Jenny's shoulder as the water swayed and sloshed beneath them, giving Shane a comfort she hadn't known in weeks. She closed her eyes, pressing her nose against Jenny's moist neck, inhaling the floral scent of her skin. She felt her turn in her arms, her grip tightening, as she heard the bath water splashing over the side of the tub. She stole a peek, finding Jenny staring back at her, eyes heavy with lust. The moment washed over her in a way that made her sick inside, it felt right to kiss Jenny but she wondered if it was best considering everything the doctors had told them.

"Maybe we shouldn't," Shane said.

But Jenny wouldn't be swayed, she leaned in, bringing her warm mouth to Shane's.

"I've missed you," she whispered against Shane's lips.

Shane smiled, not wanting to speak but to hold on to the Jenny she saw before her, the friend and confidante and the one that despite her faults, she loved. She wanted to hold her; give her everything she had kept close to her heart all those years before but she feared being that vulnerable with anyone - _even_ Jenny. And considering what loomed over them in the wake of the accident, she couldn't afford to be reckless with her emotions.

"Seriously, the doctor said you should take it easy—at least for a little while," Shane said, discouraging Jenny's advances.

Jenny rubbed noses with Shane. "You silly goose, I doubt Dr. Mitchell meant no kissing," she said, rolling her eyes before turning serious again.

Heat rose from the center of Shane's belly tingling the points of her nipples as Jenny's tongue parted her lips. She wanted to fall into the feeling, let go and float on that insatiable cloud she had so many times in the past succumbed to. But not this time, too much was at stake for her to give in to her base instincts. She gently pulled away.

"No," she said, this time more forcefully. "Jenny, we shouldn't."

"Don't..." Jenny moaned, pressing her full breasts against Shane's chest.

The sensation overloaded Shane's senses, awakening all the desires within her that had lay dormant since she reunited with Jenny.

The feeling was too strong to deny. Shane gently gripped the back of Jenny's hair bringing her to her lips again.

"Harder..." Jenny demanded through parted wet lips.

"No," Shane chastised, although wanting to more than anything.

"You know, when I was in the hospital, I kept thinking about you and I..." said Jenny, catching her breath as Shane reached into the bath water and parted her thighs.

"Yeah?" Shane replied as her hand traveled further until she could feel the heat of Jenny's arousal against her fingertips.

"...all the things that were said between us...and I realized that none of that matters anymore. Not Niki—Bette and Tina— _Molly_ , none of it," Jenny replied between Shane's soft kisses.

Shane's lips froze against Jenny's eager mouth; it was the first time anyone had mentioned Molly since before the accident. "What does _Molly_ have to do with this?" she asked, hoping Jenny would finally be truthful with her.

Jenny sighed, pulling away from Shane; her desire seemed to fizzle in an instant as she rose from the bath, her bare curves slick with soap and water.

"I pulled Tina aside that night to tell her about Bette and Kelley. She was so _angry_ with me _,_ She told me everything..." Jenny said. "...how you found the film and the jacket with the letter, how you and I were done and things would never be the same. My heart broke all over again that night..." she sighed. "I couldn't bear it."

Guilt swept over Shane as she remembered her conversation with Tina that night.

"Take it easy,okay? You shouldn't get yourself worked up like this. We can talk about it later."

But as Jenny's words sunk in, a unsettling thought shook Shane to her core. If Jenny had known _before_ the accident— _No_ , she thought— _no fucking way would she do that_. She waited for Jenny to finish, hoping that her fears were unfounded. She watched as Jenny stepped from the tub, wrapping her body in a large blue bath towel.

"Where are you going? C'mere get back in the tub," Shane said although unsure she had it in her to pick up where they left off. She reached her hand out to her but the look in Jenny's eyes gave her pause. The atmosphere had soured between them, Shane could feel it in the air. She braced herself for whatever was coming.

"I couldn't live without you, Shane. That's why I did it." Jenny said wiping away a tear that had spilled over one cheek.

Shane stared at her for the longest time, studying the soft features of her delicate face. Those eyes that had took her in the moment they met, long before they knew anything about each other; well before she knew to run the other way. She felt as if she had been punched in the gut. _Jenny_ \- her best friend and lover; her ally against the world and sometimes enemy; the anchor around her neck that kept pulling her under whenever she tried to come up for air; the one who would never leave and in turn _she_ could never leave her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.


	3. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jenny feels betrayed by those closest to her, and her emotional uncertainty begin to take its toll on Shane.

Jenny listened from the hallway outside her bedroom while Bette and Shane carried on a discussion about her in the foyer. She moved closer, peeking around the corner in an attempt to see their expressions—particularly Shane’s. It had never bothered her before that her love-hate relationship with Bette was always sliding from one end of the spectrum to the other and she was use to her friends whispering behind her back but these were different circumstances. What didn’t matter much to her before, meant everything now.

“I know you feel responsible but you shouldn’t. None of this is your fault. Neither is it ours.” said Bette.

“No one's saying it is, least of all Jenny. She just gets confused sometimes. When she threatened to sue you, she wasn't in her right frame of mind,” Shane replied.

“She said we tried to kill her!” Bette glared at Shane, her annoyance written in scarlet across her tan cheeks.

If Bette’s tirade was tiring her out, it didn’t show because she continued on, this time pointing one manicured fingernail in Shane’s direction. “And you know what...look at this!” she said, waiving the legal papers she had been served in front of her face before tossing them in the air.

Shane didn't move—neither would she say a word. She had been friends with Bette long enough to know that once she got started, it was best to let her finish.

“...and I have _no_ idea what’s going on right now but don’t you think enough is enough?”

Not waiting for a reply she sighed, giving Shane her— _this isn't over look._

“We’ll talk about this later. I have to get to work,” she said, gripping the doorknob but then seemed to change her mind; she released it and pivoted back in Shane's direction.

“It's time for Jenny to face up to the mess she's created and—I'm sorry, _I truly am,_ about everything but I've tried— _we all have_. I just can't do it anymore,” she said with one hand resting on the hip of her fitted skirt as the other clutched the handle of her leather brief.

Shane, dressed in yesterday’s white tee and low slung jeans, leaned against the wall by the coat rack rubbing her sleepy eyes. “I know but like I told you, things are complicated right now,” she replied.

Jenny held her breath as Bette joined Shane by the coat rack, cupping her face between her hands. The two women looked at each, neither saying a word. The silence stilled Jenny’s heart.

“Jenny has never been well and no decision you make will ever be easy. I just hope it's the right one,” Bette said, dropping her hands and giving Shane a peck on the cheek that lingered a bit too long for Jenny's liking.

 

“Wait,” said Shane, grabbing Bette’s arm as she headed for the front door. “It’s not what you think.”

Their voices lowered then; Jenny stuck her head further into the hallway, struggling to make out what was being said but a creek from the floorboards sent Bette and Shane looking in her direction. She quickly ducked away.

“What was that?” she heard Shane ask. “ _Jenny!”_ she called out to her.

Jenny retreated back to her bedroom and waited for one or both of them to come check in on her. After a few minutes she decided that they weren’t coming and crept back to the door; she held her ear against it and listened.

 _“…the doctors…Tumors…I thought about it but…what should I do?”_ Shane’s somber voice carried through the hall.

 _“…you can’t handle this on your own…have you? Maybe you should…I know a…”_ Bette replied.

There was more muffled talking but Jenny had heard enough. She walked across the room, stopping in front of the rocking chair by the window. She gave it a push, listening as the blades slid back and forth along the wood. She didn’t feel like returning to bed and instead grabbed a pillow from against the headboard; she hugged it close to her chest as she sat in the chair, letting it lull her into a calmer place while she looked past the window’s glass panes to the yard and noticed things she hadn’t before; how everything seemed to move with the wind no matter how light it blew and how the early morning sun painted the sky a gradient of blue and gold. These were things she never appreciated before while locked away in her den of despair; years spent trapped in her head, struggling, grasping and contemplating the past only to find out that without it, she would have never become the writer she eventually came to be.

 _And never will be again_ , she whispered to herself as she rocked harder, feeling the blades move faster beneath her.

A gruff voice drifted in from the doorway. She didn’t look, she knew who it was. “You don’t have to say it,” Jenny said, keeping her eyes on the tree outside her window. “You broke your promise. The one thing I asked you to do for me—”

Jenny stopped rocking, finding the strength within herself to look over at the woman she had loved since spying her across the yard the first week after her arrival to Los Angeles. Shane was beautiful that day as she stripped down to nothing and dove into Bette’s swimming pool. She had a way about her that captivated Jenny and even in the throes of passionate love making, Jenny found a quiet grace and kindred spirit in Shane that she longed to get closer to.

There she stood, lanky framed with a small tea cup in one hand as if that would suffice as some conciliatory prize for her betrayal. “I brought you some tea,” Shane said avoiding Jenny’s hard glare.

“Really—some fucking tea!” Jenny shouted, tossing the pillow at Shane’s head.

“Hey!” Shane shot back, dodging the pillow. “What’s your problem?”

“My _problem_ is you can’t keep a promise and that of all people, you would share something so personal between us with Bette!”

“Jenny, we really shouldn’t do this right now and you know what the doctors said…” Shane replied, her shoulders slumping in defeat as she sat the tea cup on the night table beside the bed.

“ _Fuck_ the _fucking_ doctors and _fuck_ you Shane!”

Jenny felt a surge of energy course through her body. She dug deep, unwilling and unable to let Shane dismiss her feelings. She marched toward the door, pressing her back against the frame to prevent her from leaving the room.

“You promised!” she shouted, as Shane tried to make her way through the door.

“Jenny please calm down—it’s not like that!”

“Don’t patronize me,” Jenny shot back.

She felt it; saw the fire blazing in Shane’s eyes. It was what she wanted, a reaction more than just a small utterance of compliance or dismissal of emotion. She wanted more than what Bette got in the hallway; she wanted a reprisal to that first visit in the hospital after the accident, when in a haze, she called to Shane and in return, got nothing.

“I haven’t slept in days. I barely change clothes or do anything for myself!” Shane cried, her emotions seeming to bubble over in an instant.

Jenny pushed her away and she fell back onto the edge of the bed.

“I thought you loved me!”

“I do!”

“Then why did you leave?” asked Jenny, feeling herself falter as Shane looked up at her with apologetic eyes that tore into her soul.

“I didn’t leave, I’m here! Listen to me, you _know_ I love you. I wouldn’t be here now if I didn’t but I’m only one person. How can you expect me to—”

“Obviously I don’t expect anything from you,” Jenny said, moving away from the door to let her pass but Shane remained on the bed.

“Jenny you need help. More than I can give right now. And I just can’t do it alone anymore. I can’t watch you die, _not like this_. So, don’t ask me not to talk to our friends about it because I can’t do that,” Shane said, her blue eyes glistening with tears.

Jenny felt her throat closing in as she choked back her own tears. Somewhere inside, she knew the answer—and what she had to do, even if she didn’t want to face up to it.

“ _Why love_...if losing hurts so much. C.S Lewis wrote that,” Jenny said as she took Shane’s hands in hers. “And I’ve come to realize that I want to be alone in this. I don’t want anyone to hurt more than I already do.” As the words slipped from her mouth, she knew they were a lie but she felt compelled to say them anyway.

Shane tilted her head upward, the fire in her eyes now a four alarm blaze. “Fuck you,” she spat, tears spilling over her hollow cheeks.

“Thank you,” Jenny whispered as she released Shane’s hand. She looked once more to the rocking chair, a smile filling her heart as she thought of the comfort she felt while in its embrace. She went to it and sat down.

Gliding on the feeling that when night came her gradient sky would turn inside out, she pondered the bittersweet truth of her curtailed future and fought back the rising feeling of despair within; the one that laughed at the irony of her fate; a story which told of a love she never knew she had until it was too late.

 

 


	4. IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conclusion.

Jenny rolled onto her back and glanced over at the clock atop the bedside table. It was a little after three in the afternoon; the perfect time to take a stroll through her barren garden and watch the myriad of autumn leaves fall from the tall maple in her front yard. She lowered her gaze, spying the top of Shane's tousled hair beneath the duvet; she parted her legs.

“Mmm,” Jenny moaned. “We've been in bed all day, don't you want to go outside and take a walk through the garden? Feel the October air?”

“No,” was Shane's deep but muffled reply.

Jenny arched back, her hand ducking beneath the duvet as Shane's warm lips brushed along her inner thigh.

“Oh c'mon! It's a beautiful day.” Her body temperature rising she looked to the window again, hoping for distraction. It was then that she spotted the tree again. Just as it had always been: its leaves dangling from the branches in colors of yellow, red and gold. She wanted to touch them, jump around in the piles her father made on the weekends when he tidied the yard.

“I've always liked watching the leaves turn on that tree,” she said. “And besides, daddy says it's rotting and he's going to have to cut it down soon.”

She felt Shane's soft hand against her lower lips. She gasped as a finger slipped inside.

“There won't be many days like this left,” said Jenny through clenched teeth, fighting off the urge to sink under the blanket with Shane. She tried pulling away but Shane wouldn't let her. She felt as if she was exploding and suffocating all at once. She tried harder, twisting her body until she was finally able to turn over onto her belly.

Shane emerged from beneath the duvet and gave Jenny a quizzical look. “It's August, _Jenny_ and we don't _have_ a tree in our yard.”

Jenny laughed, reaching back to give Shane a light pinch on the arm. “Of course not, don't be silly,” she said, sweeping her dark hair over one shoulder and wondering if Shane had dipped into the secret stash she kept hidden far back in the kitchen cabinet; the one she didn't think Jenny knew about.

Shane gripped Jenny by the hips gently flipping her over. She studied her with somber blue eyes as if searching for something. Under Shane's microscopic gaze, she felt uneasy. Jenny tried to look away but Shane grabbed her chin turning her back toward her.

“Are you feeling okay?” she asked, the scent of Jenny's arousal filling the air between them.

“Why are you looking at me that way? I'm fine,” Jenny replied, forcing a smile that had yet to reach her heart.

“Maybe we should call Dr. Mitchell, justin case.”

“Absolutely not—no!” replied Jenny as she pushed Shane away. “No doctors, no hospitals. Not today.” She reached over the edge of the bed for Shane's black t-shirt and walked over to the window. It was their last day at home together before she were to start her treatment and another exhaustive round of tests and more needle pricks. The thought of the medicine that would course through her veins leaving her out of sorts—she didn't want to think of what was ahead of her. She was in no rush to return to that place and its reminders of sickness and death.

Jenny angrily tugged Shane's t-shirt over her head, her good mood shattered by the mention of doctors and hospitals.

“I didn't mean to upset you,” Shane began, “I'm just being careful is all and you know what the doctors said.”

Yes, I know what they fucking said,” Jenny snapped as the t-shirt fell along her hips.

Shane quietly watched from the bed, pain flashing in her soft blue eyes. Jenny instantly regretted her words. She knew she had hit a sore spot and figured it was best to quickly make amends before losing what good was left of their last day together.

“Please,” she said,” softening her voice and reaching out for Shane's hand.

“It's okay, we don't have to call him. Not if you don't want to,” Shane replied.

But Jenny knew it wasn't.

 

****

 

 

“ _...and don't forget my afghan, Jenny said. “It gets cold in there.”_

__

_They sat forehead-to-forehead with eyes closed. Nearby, Jenny's final wishes were transcribed and locked away in a document on her precious laptop. There had been promises made—commitments and in the moment it was all Shane could do not to offer up the world. Instead she managed a weak “okay”, her voice lost—gone someplace where she could hide away her true emotions and be that strong person that Jenny needed._

 

****

 

Despite what she had said before, this promise was easy to break: when Dr. Mitchell asked if Shane had noticed anything unusual, she didn't hesitate to tell him the truth. As she spoke to the doctor, Jenny remained silent; when Shane turned back, Jenny looked away and demanded that she go home. Although Shane had no intentions on doing so, to keep the peace, she left the room.

Then it all began: the nurses into the room with two bags, they placed them on a counter nearby the bed and began preparing the IV line. Shane watched the calm Jenny had when they initially arrived, dissolve in a matter of moments. She immediately went to side. Jenny turned to Shane, tears welling in her eyes as she reached for her hand.

“Thank you,” she said, her eyes now watery and pink.

“For what?” Shane asked, although already knowing the answer.

“For being here with me, despite everything,” Jenny replied, tears spilling over her flushed cheeks.

Shane wanted to say more but one of the nurses came over. She checked a chart, smiled at Jenny then left the room. The remaining nurse soon followed, dressed in blue scrubs, the top decorated with pastel jelly beans of pink, yellow and white. She was a woman of petite stature with bright green eyes outlined in the deepest set of crow's feet Shane had ever seen.

“Hello, I'm Gail. I'll be your nurse for the next few days.”

Shane's past conditioned her to view everyone upon first meeting as suspicious. As Gail set eyes upon her, she hesitated to move. She wanted to be by Jenny's side every step of the way and in her mind, it was her duty to protect Jenny. Even from herself.

As if sensing Shane's hesitation, Nurse Gail, stepped away from the bed her head turning. Shane's gaze followed, where a large plush looking reclining chair sat in the corner of the room.

“I'm going to have you sit in that chair over there,” she said pointing to it.

Jenny clung to Shane's hand. As they watched Nurse Gail swipe a finger through her short graying hair. Remnants of the youthful redhead she was now all but gone.

Shane could hear a soft sigh escape Jenny's lips as she released her hand. She nodded, and all the colorful spirit and passion Shane had come to love about her, drained from her face as her tears began to flow harder.

As Jenny rose from the bed, Gail took her gently by the arm, a warm smile spreading across her bare lips.

“It will be okay, I'm going to take good care of you and it will be over quicker than you think,” she said in an attempt to comfort Jenny. It worked, Jenny's tears started to siphon off as Gail walked her across the room and eased her into the chair. Shane followed close by, feeling awkward and useless.

Gail pulled a small stool closer to the chair and sat beside Jenny. Shane winced as she heard the snap of Gail's surgical gloves. She hated needles more than anything, she averted her gaze elsewhere, looking up at the IV bag filled with clear liquid as it hung on the hook of a tall metal stand.

“You're going to feel a pinch, Jenny but it will only last a second. Then I want you to sit back and relax. We have some magazines and reading material on your surgery or...

Gail's voice trailed off as if she had just remembered that Shane was in the room.

“If you and your friend would like to talk a while...”

“Thank you,” Shane quickly replied, sensing Jenny's discomfort.

“Would you like the curtains open or closed?” Gail asked Jenny as she taped the IV needle securely to Jenny's arm.

“Closed, please. I don't want to see sunlight again until I leave this place,” she replied, watching as Gail rose and drew the curtains shut.

Gail nodded her head, her lips forming another smile; one she had probably given to hundreds of patients a million times over. The thought angered Shane because Jenny wasn't a number, nor a patient among many, she was the woman she loved.

“Unfortunately, we can't give you anything solid to eat, you're allowed juice, water and soup,” Then she added...

“It may seem scary now but you're in good hands with Dr. Mitchell and his team—I know you will worry no matter what I say but please try to relax.”

Shane was anxious for Gail to leave, so she could be alone with Jenny. “I'll be here with her," she said.

“Push the call button if she needs anything,” Gail replied, already making her way across the room to the door.

As soon as Gail left the room, Jenny turned to Shane. “I don't think I can do this." A shadow cast across her face and her eyes sagged with worry.

Shane crouched in front of Jenny, looking up into her eyes, an ocean of blue that seemed deeper than any that could ever exist in their world or the next. “You can do this,” she said, “and I'll be here. I promise.” She stood, walking over to the curtains, only moments before drawn closed by Gail. She opened them, feeling Jenny's gaze following her every movement.

When she was done, she turned back to find Jenny's soft lips curved in a half smile; her sadness still lingering somewhere behind it.

“I think we've been in the dark long enough."

 

****

 

Days of testing, crying and medical terms Shane barely understood, left her tired and more confused than when they started on this journey weeks before. She didn't think she could bear much more of it. And Jenny's behavior—refusing to eat or cooperate with anything, only made matters worst. Shane tried to empathize but Jenny knew what was at stake—it was everything and if she was willing to give everything she had to keep them going , why couldn't Jenny at least try?

“I won't do it!” Jenny shouted across the room. Shane tried to diffuse the situation, stepping between Dr. Mitchell and Jenny. She stared at her lover, once plush and full of spark, now paler than she had ever seen, with a gaunt frame that looked ready to snap at the slightest movement. She sat upright in bed, her hollow eyes shooting daggers of blue ice in both their direction.

“Jenny...he's only trying to help and this is the last one today,” she pleaded, turning to Dr. Mitchell for support. “Right doctor?”

Dr. Mitchell remained calm; he seemed to have the patience of Job when it came to Jenny's antics but Shane suspected he had seen it all before; was maybe a tad more indifferent to it than she had hoped.

“Yes, this is the last one but it's important she stays calm and still, or else we have no choice but to do it again.”

“I promise...we...” she replied, turning back to Jenny, who had fixed her fiery eyes onto Shane. At least she still had that, Shane thought, because once the fire died, she knew so would everything else.

Dr. Mitchell waited for a reassuring gesture from Jenny. She gave it—relaxing against her pillow and turning to the window where the blinds had been drawn closed by Jenny's insistence.

“Okay, I'll be back shortly to check on how you're doing,” Dr. Mitchell said, then left the room, leaving Shane alone to deal with Jenny's anger before the Nurses returned.

“They're trying to help you, Jenny,” she begged, but Jenny wasn't listening. She had closed her eyes, pretending to be sleep, although Shane knew better. She looked down at the chair a short distance away from Jenny's bed. It had become her second home. It had started with a day, then became weeks, until Shane couldn't tell when the sun rose and the moon fell. As Jenny got worst, Shane had spent night after night beside her in the hospital; nothing made sense anymore and the only thing she was certain of was that she was losing someone again.

 

 

****

 

“There's nothing you can do now, Ms. McCutcheon. Go home and get some rest. You're no good to your friend if you end up in a bed beside her,” Dr. Mitchell said.

Shane felt as stubborn as Jenny but it had been days since she changed clothes or had contact with anyone outside of the hospital. The place had seeped into her skin and she longed to wash it off but leaving was an impossible decision; if anything happened to Jenny while she was away, she would never forgive herself. Her eyes darted around the lobby as she dug deep, wanting to find some plausible reason to protest the doctor's suggestion but she couldn't find any.

“I guess, I could go home and change. I must reek right now,” she replied.

“...and get some rest,” Dr. Mitchell added, “That's the best thing you can do for Jenny right now.”

She left but not before making Dr. Mitchell promise to call her if Jenny woke before she returned.

When she arrived home, she made a beeline to the fridge to grab the lone beer left from she and Jenny's last night together. As she popped the cap and took a long swig of the cool liquid her eyes caught sight of Jenny's blue afghan blanket draped across one of the kitchen chairs.

 

****

 

_After they returned home from the dance marathon at the LAGL center she sat across from Jenny at the kitchen table. She wanted to explain herself but knew anything from her lips would just sound like a lie and probably would be._

__

“ _I'm sorry,” was all she could muster. The face staring back at her was recognizable but she longed for an image to replace it—anything that could soothe the guilt bubbling over inside of her._

__

“ _You know how I feel about Nikki...it's just that...”_

__

“ _I've never loved you more than when I should have loved you less,” Jenny said, wrapping a corner of her blue afghan across one shoulder._

__

_She looked so beautiful in that moment. Shane wanted to walk over and touch her face but Jenny's soft expression turned serious as they locked eyes._

__

“ _Isn't that a song lyric?” Shane asked, trying to lighten the moment._

__

“ _No. It's you and I.”_

 

****

 

Shane got some much needed rest but the next morning, she sat alone and anxious, waiting most of the day for a phone call that never came. She tried to take her mind off of what was happening by watching a bit of television but that only lasted a few minutes. Soon she was up on her feet, restless and in need of something to calm her frazzled nerves. She paced the bedroom, then prepared a sandwich that she never ate. She decided to tend to Jenny's garden; the one she had put so much work in the year before, when she had sought to win Jenny's friendship back after sleeping with Nikki Stevens.

She grabbed the trowel. As she dug in, loosening weeds enough to pull them free of the soil, she thought back to the clean pale corridors of the hospital and the distraught love ones she had seen rushing to and fro. Their hollowed faces haunted her and made it impossible to concentrate. With the back of her hand, she swiped at the wet hair plastered to her forehead. Maybe it was time to give up on the gardening and make a visit to Bette and Tina's, she thought. Tossing the trowel to the side, she sat on the edge of the patio brushing dirt from her hands and knees. She looked over at Bette and Tina's yard unsure if visiting her friends was something she was up to. She dug in the front pocket of her shirt and fired up a smoke instead. Two drags later, a bit of sunshine began to break through her gloomy day. She started across the yard toward the fence when a soft vibration against her hip stopped her in her tracks. Shane rushed to her back door, fumbling inside her tight pants pocket for her cell phone; as she pushed her way inside she held the phone to her ear; it was Dr. Mitchell.

 

 

****

 

As she tore through the hospital doors she almost collided into a young woman who shared a close resemblance to the actress Nikki Stevens. Shane froze in place, carried on a cloud of memories and moments she had hoped to forget...

 

 

********

 

“ _The last time we were here you left me face down puking my guts out in the that bin over there,” Shane said, pointing to the water bath she used to process her film._

__

“ _Oh Shane...I thought we were over that?” Nikki teased, her high heels scraping along the floor as she made her way across the dark room in Shane's studio._

__

“ _You know what? I can't do this. Jenny's gonna be here any minute and--” Shane said, her back resting against the wall as she watched Nikki saunter toward her._

__

“ _Can't do what?” Nikki replied as she tossed her ash brown hair over one shoulder and slowly unfastened the bustier of her dress._

__

“ _I don't understand the hold she has over you.” Nikki licked her lips as she closed the gap between them. “Besides, she 'did' buy me for you.”_

__

“ _It doesn't matter. It's my choice.” Shane felt strangled by the heat between them, she didn't know how long her vow of fidelity to Jenny would last. Did she have it in her to be faithful for once? She hoped that this time she did. “ "I won't hurt her. Not anymore. Not for you or anyone.”_

__

“ _You're making a mistake,” Nikki said, the hemline of her short dress riding up her thigh as she propped her leg onto the stool beside Shane._

__

“ _Let me be the judge of that,” Shane replied, her eyes unable to pull away from the supple swell of Nikki's bosom under the low blue light._

__

“ _Whatever you say,” Nikki said, her lips inches from Shane's, but if it wasn't for her, you and Molly would still be together._

__

“ _Jenny had nothing to do with Molly and I breaking up; it was the situation...” but hearing the words aloud made Shane uncertain. Had she been looking for a reason to end it with Molly because she was in denial of her feelings for Jenny? Before she could say more, Nikki pressed her lips against hers, effectively silencing her for the moment. But as quick as she made her move, she pulled away, laughing in the process._

__

“ _Oh really? You think she didn't? I know for a fact that she did.”_

__

“ _You have no idea what you're talking about and I think it's time for us to leave,” Shane replied rapidly becoming annoyed with Nikki's games._

__

_Readying herself to head to the exit, she tried to push past her, when Nikki dangled a set of keys in front of her face._

__

“ _What are those?” Shane asked, watching as Nikki swung the silver keys back and forth like a pendulum._

__

“ _These, are the keys to your house,” she said, her eyes lit up with mischief._

__

“ _Bullshit,” Shane replied, unmoved. She knew Nikki was bluffing, she had witnessed Jenny take the keys from her the night she caught them together at the wrap party for Lez Girls._

“ _Yeah, she did. But what she didn't know is that I had already had a spare set made. Well..in case the ones she gave me before got lost.” Nikki's grin widened, an image starkly familiar to the Cheshire Cat._

__

_Shane tried to snatch the keys away from her but Nikki held tight._

__

“ _No—no, it won't be that easy,” she teased._

__

_Instead Shane grabbed her wrist, pulling her closer so she could get a closer look at them._

__

“ _I still don't believe you,” said Shane but she wasn't so sure. Nikki was a spoiled, selfish princess most times but she wasn't known to be a liar._

__

“ _Well, you're not the only one with a secret, Shane. But I have a solution. Why don't we go test them out?”_

_  
_

 

_****_

 

They were all there, staring back at her from the waiting area; Bette, Tina, Alice—everyone but Nikki. Kit, their resident mother hen stood beside Tasha; Alice's on and off again lover. She immediately came over to Shane wrapping her arms around her. Her ample chest pressed against Shane's thin frame like a soft cushion; it was comforting to Shane for a moment but also unsettling. How had they known? Who called them? The questions were piling up by the minute.

“Alice called us. We came as fast as we could,” Kit said, her spiral curls bouncing as she pulled away.

Shane 's confusion only deepened; she hadn't told anyone; not even Alice. And Dr. Mitchell had only called her twenty minutes before. Over Kit's shoulder she caught Alice's eye as if to ask those very questions. Alice walked over.

“I have a friend that works in the hospital. She's a nurse from when Dana was here. She called me and I called the others,” she whispered to Shane.

Kit stepped to the side allowing them some privacy, while Alice escorted Shane away from the others to continue their conversation.

“I know this isn't what Jenny wanted but you shouldn't be alone; neither of you should be. Not now. I mean how much longer could you last like this, Shane?”

Alice took her by the hand, giving it a squeeze. Tasha and I could take turns waiting and Bette and Tina have agreed to make time in their schedule as well. I'm sure Max...”

“Whoa! Wait...” Shane interrupted her. “I appreciate what you're trying to but I made a promise to Jenny and this is one that I plan to keep. I can't break anymore to her. Understand?”

Just as Alice parted her lips, seemingly to protest, Nurse Gail rounded the corner, her soft padded shoes making a squeaking nose against the tiled floor. The day before, Shane had remained well into the night, unable to sleep and unwilling to go home, she braved the cool waiting room air and medicinal smells that drifted in and out for word on what was happening with Jenny. Now, well rested and groomed, she was more anxious than ever.

“You can go in now, Ms. McCutcheon,” Gail said; she tossed a curious look at Alice but didn't say more. Shane knew the rules, immediate family only. She tossed a glance at Alice and the others before following Gail down the familiar corridor to Jenny's room. She wanted them to know in some small way that she appreciated them being there, so she smiled at them through the sadness and prayed that whatever hope still remained inside of her had found its way through.

 

****

 

_No matter how Shane tried, Nikki's warnings couldn't be ignored. She took the spare set of keys from her hand and went home. She thought about searching through Jenny's things but that was way off limits. No matter how curious she was to know whatever secrets Nikki had discovered, she wouldn't invade Jenny's privacy in that way._

__

_Instead she put her focus into Bette and Tina's going away party. Jenny had thrown herself full-throttle into creating the ultimate present for them, a video montage of goodbyes from all their friends past and present. Shane hadn't been too thrilled about the idea, not to mention it might bring someone back into her life that she still didn't think she was ready to face yet—Carmen. However, when she expressed her concerns to Jenny, that only led to a tiff, with her insecurities about Shane' lingering affections and ability to remain faithful being brought to the forefront again._

__

_It was suffocating at times, almost like being in some sort of sexual rehab. She was expected to fall in line with Jenny's plans for their future but what about what she wanted? Shane saw no point in going on about it with Jenny, for the sake of peace and harmony in their house, she backed off the subject, agreeing instead to go off shopping for her own gift to give to her friends._

__

_She spent most of the afternoon shopping around at boutiques and other trendy stores, that provided trinkets that couples with money to burn and a taste for the expensive might prefer. She came across a glassware shop; there were bowls, vases, ornaments and other decorative accent pieces that resembled the types of things Shane had seen placed around Bette and Tina's house. She set to work, looking for just the right piece when a large oddly shaped bowl caught her eye._

__

_She went over to it, giving it a brief side-eye inspection before lifting it for a closer look. Perfect, she thought. As she turned to head for the cashier, a familiar face stepped out into the aisle._

__

_“Shane?” Molly's voice called out to her. “I can't believe it!” she said, seeming truly surprised by the encounter._

__

_“Wow!” was all Shane could muster. Just then a woman stepped up alongside, Molly, they shared the same haircut, short and blond. A little too Gidget-like for Shane's taste, flattering all the same._

__

_“Oh,” Molly added as if in an afterthought, “this is my girlfriend, Samantha...Samantha, Shane.” she said, introducing them at once._

__

_Samantha's freckled mouth spread into a wide grin as she held out her hand to Shane._

__

_“Nice to meet you, she said.”_

__

_“Same here,” Shane replied, feeling awkward by the second._

__

_They carried on a bit of chit-chat, catching up on how life had been going for her at law school and so forth but Shane was barely listening. Samantha walked off to browse the store an Shane took that as her cue to escape. She wanted out and as fast as possible. Being around Molly like this brought back a sort of hurt she would rather not relive. As she was about to express her well-wishes and goodbyes, Molly dropped a bombshell..._

__

_"I don't hold any hard feelings. I'm over it now. I won't lie, it took me awhile but then it was done between us after I sent you that letter and then not hearing back from you..."_

__

_“Letter?” Shane asked._

__

_"When I dropped off your jacket, Jenny told me about you and Nikki. At the time I didn't think to take the letter back. I was in shock..."_

__

_As Shane walked out of the glass store, still reeling from her conversation with Molly, her present to Bette and Tina was long forgotten. She had one thing on her mind and that was to find Jenny._

 

*****

 

After awhile nothing hurt anymore. Jenny had lost count of the times the doctors and nurses had pricked and poked her with needles. All she felt was tired; empty of all the things she had clung to so fiercely in the past—her writing, her darkness and of course her love for Shane. She turned away from them, clutching a pillow to her face and thinking back to the day she first felt that something was going wrong inside of her.

 

**** 

 

_It was the night Molly came to her door with Shane's jacket; it also happened to be the same day she realized her feelings for Shane ran deeper than just friendship. The hurt that swelled inside of her—the envy she felt as she stared across the threshold of her front door at Molly—was unbearable. This was the woman that Shane had openly admitted to love. The one woman she had never cheated on; a feat she hadn't even accomplished with Carmen; the whom years ago she abandoned at the alter. Yes, Shane had left miles of bad road behind her; and time and again she had been forgiven but with Molly, there had been nothing to forgive. At least not from Shane's side._

__

_And Jenny hated her for that; despised her for invading their lives again so soon after she had come to terms with her feelings for Shane. So out of desperation or spite, most likely love, she did something she never thought was within her to do; she ended it with Molly on Shane's behalf. She told herself it was the right thing; that Molly was confused, and unsure about her sexuality, something Jenny had dealt with years before when she first moved to Los Angeles. But she knew now and was clearer than she had ever been on the issue. Shane was who she wanted; what she breathed and in turn she was what Shane needed._

__

“ _Don't do this to yourself. Shane will never change, she said to Molly and fully believed it at the time, “She fucked Nikki! My fucking girlfriend at the wrap party for my movie! What kind of person does that?”_

__

_Molly seemed speechless, her new short blond hairdo framing her face in a way that made her look older and wiser but not hiding the uncertainty in her eyes. It was just enough to urge Jenny on. She drove in the final stake._

__

“ _Besides, it's Shane's modus operandis; she makes girls fall in love with her then she pulls away. She's incapable of settling down or giving her full heart to anyone. I've been thinking..."_

__

_She leaned against the door frame, lowering her eyes to the ground as she spoke._

__

“ _Looking back on things, I remember moments between them; signals I hadn't picked up before because I was blinded by my affections for both of them. Its been going on for a while, I know it. We've been made fools of.”_

__

_She heard a soft gasp from Molly, then looked up to see the reaction on her face. It was brutal, she knew but necessary. And the dark swirls of blue that swam in the centers of Molly's eyes was all the confirmation she needed. It was indeed over between she and Shane._

__

 

__

_She took the jacket from Molly's hand and they said their goodbyes._

 

 

****

 

“Once more Jenny and then you can rest until it's time to prep you,” said Gail.

She felt the pressure against her back. What was it this time? More hypertensives, beta blockers—no something stronger, so they could take out whatever was causing her to rot away inside. _But what if they were wrong?_ _Could she go on? She wouldn't live like this_ ; _couldn't live like this even if she had all the fortitude in the world_. The only thing that kept her going was her guilt; she had done so many things to Shane, moments of regret that by giving up she would never have the chance to make right. If only she could fix what was broken inside of her; correct what went wrong physically and emotionally. Maybe if she did that she and Shane would make it.

It was these thoughts that stayed with her as the room begin to fade in and out. The medicine had taken hold faster than she had expected. She panicked at first, worried that this might be the last time, that her chances had run out and she wouldn't get to tell Shane all she needed to before everything ended.

“Where's Shane?” she mumbled to no one. The room was empty; the nurses hadn't returned yet to take her to surgery. She was relieved but not yet relaxed. She tried to refocus, find her last thoughts that had been swallowed in the haze of drugs that had taken over her body; tingles that traveled from her toes to the top of her head turned her to mush as she tried fighting off the inevitable.

She heard the hinge of the door as it opened and feet padding across the floor; not one set but two, maybe more. She was still turned on her side and had little strength to do anything about it. She felt hands on her, cold and warm, the kind you would expect at a hospital; everything so clinical and bland, an assembly line of the sick and those who cared for them. Then another sound caught her attention; a voice, familiar but garbled like hearing it from underwater. She strained and pushed, trying to roll onto her back so she could at least get a glimpse of who the voice was coming from. Then those hands again, this time only warm; hot even as if whomever they belonged to had made an effort to toast them before touching her. Slender fingers, long even, the types of things you don't recognize other times, means the world when you're losing yourself and all that made you human.

“Is she awake?” asked a husky voice from above her.

She felt herself being moved, rolled onto her back. She opened her eyes, so scared that this was the moment when the nurse would look down and ask her if she was ready; no she wasn't. Instead the face looking down at her was one of love; it was her best friend, the woman she had told herself so many times needed her more when in truth it was the opposite.

“Jenny, they're only giving me a moment to talk to you but I want you to know that I'll be right here. I'm not going anywhere; I promise,” Shane said, although her voice was not exactly as Jenny had remembered. She was exhausted but refused to close her eyes, she wanted every angle and line of Shane's face etched in her mind before it all grew fuzzy again.

Gail was beside the bed now and another nurse, one she had never seen before drew Shane to the back of the room. There, they whispered amongst themselves for a short while as Gail redressed Jenny in a fresh hospital gown and bundled her hair into a blue bouffant cap.

“I'll be here!” Shane called to her as she felt herself drift away.

 

 

****

 

_Standing on balcony outside of Bette's room, Jenny couldn't believe what she was hearing. Her neighbor, the woman she had been close friends with for several years stood inches away, eyes boring into her with deadly intent; if looks could kill, Jenny would be in six feet under._

__

“ _I'm warning you, no one messes with my family,” she said, her words sharp and cutting._

__

“ _My intention has never been to hurt you or Tina but I know what I saw and do you really think it's fair to carry on a relationship with someone you are not being truthful with? Jenny asked, trying not to show how Bette's words and demeanor rattled her, “And to be frank, Bette, I really think it's unfair that you would ask me—threaten me even to keep quiet. What kind of burden is that to put on a friend?”_

__

“ _You use the word friend in a much looser term than I would,” Bette replied, seemingly unmarred by Jenny's attempt at reasoning, “Look I've said what I have to say and now I have a party to attend to. I suggest you think carefully about what your next move is going to be.”_

__

_Bette gave Jenny one finally stare down before exiting the room. Once she was gone, Jenny placed a hand to her temple. She felt a headache coming on, another in a long series of nerve ending moments that had been invading her life for several months. She turned to look out over the clear blue pool water below and thought about her history in L.A. It was that pool that silently introduced her to Shane. She watched how the water subtlety waved. It looked inviting, like a warm blanket on a winter's night after a long day in the cold._

__

_She thought about going for it, taking the plunge and soaking there for awhile. Bette's words had cut deep and the threat behind them had been more than clear. She didn't fear for her safety but for the loss of another friendship, one that she had worked so hard to maintain; almost as hard as she had with Shane. She stepped closer to the rail of the balcony and closed her eyes. It would be so easy to just dive in. As she contemplated the idea. A voice called out from behind her._

__

_Oh great, it's Alice. Jenny sighed, she wasn't in the mood for another verbal battle. Alice had been under some misguided notion that she stole a screenplay from her and claimed it as her own but jenny felt she had more creative gusto in her pinky finger than Alice had in her—well everything._

__

“ _I really think we should talk,” she said._

__

_Jenny turned to face her. She was already bored with confrontation that night. She was ready to go back to the party, and see how everyone was reacting to the farewell gift she had given to Bette and Tina._

__

“ _I'm sorry but I was just going back to the party but if you like, you can come by the house tomorrow and we can continue then,” Jenny replied, the throbbing in her head was intensifying by the second. She thought about climbing into Bette's bed and resting a minute before going back downstairs._

__

“ _Uh, no, we're going to talk now, Jenny! You can't just go around doing and saying whatever to whomever. You are hurting the people I love and frankly, no one else will tell you this but you aren't as smart as you think you are, nor interesting!”_

__

_Jenny's blood began to boil, not only was she feeling like crap, she had little patience at that moment to deal with someone as like Alice. A barely employed gossiper with a closeted lover. “Well, coming from you that's not much of an insult. When is the last time you've written a movie? Oh wait, better yet, when is the last time you've written anything besides a gossip blog?!” Jenny shot back._

__

_She was about to say more when a sharp pain spiked down the center of her forehead. Alice's blue dress remained in focus as she started toward her, but Jenny could barely make out the rest; her head felt ready to explode. Her legs felt like jello, wobbly and sponge-like. She stumbled backward, reaching for the railing behind her with one hand._

__

“ _Are you okay!” she heard Alice scream but it was distorted, like a track played in slow-motion or reverse._

__

_No she wanted to say but her throat felt tight and then an onslaught of pain, like that of a billion spikes and needles drove its points into the center of her eyes. She reeled back, feeling the railing give way. Alice's fingertips brushed her owns, as she tried to stop her from falling but she was already gone._

 

****

 

As she reentered the room, she felt trapped in a state of dejavu. For hours she had waited, finding little comfort in an awkward waiting room chair as nurses and doctors came and went. She thought back to a few days before; the news had been hopeful; another week of monitoring and some more tests and maybe Jenny would be able to go home but soon after, things took a turn for the worst.

A tattered copy of a gift store paperback rested on her lap as she glanced over at a sleeping Jenny. The end had come too soon and she—no— _they_ needed more time. She thought of the past and everything that had transpired since she and Jenny had coupled; all the moments she had cursed her, wanting to find a way to cut her out of her life but no matter what she did...

“Why?” Shane gruffly replied, her thoughts now floating in memories of their past.

“I need to run her vitals and I'm afraid visiting hours are over,” a voice said from behind Shane.

“I'm—” she replied, confusion taking hold as she attempted to refocus on the present, “ I'm her partner and I'm not leaving. Call the doctor...whomever you have to, but I'm staying.”

“I'll go check with the doctor,” The Nurse said, then departed the room.

Shane new she would be back soon, so she took the moment to decompress.

She looked down at Jenny's closed eyes. The room was quiet except for the monitor beeping in the corner, drumming sound into Shane's ears like her own private tell-tale heart. Seeing her love in such a state woke up the guilt she had been suppressing for weeks. It hung on a fragile thread of memories that connected her every thought; things that could not be shook was soon all she had to make sense of the hurt.

A sea of nurses and doctors swarmed the room and Shane was rushed out. Hours later, she looked on from the other side of the glass partition. Tubes, coming this way and that, and a ventilator, all the things she had hoped never to see again were now front and center. She felt it all coming due, every pain she had caused to another, every heart she had broken now rested at her doorstep and those past transgressions were skinning her raw. 

 

 

****

 

Jenny's beautiful face stared up at her from the bed. She didn't know what to say, she had faltered in her resolve to see it through but for reasons she couldn't yet explain. She parted her lips to speak but her parched throat could only muster one word.

“Hey,” Shane said.

Jenny didn't reply only continued to sleep. It had been two weeks; their friends had taken over Shane's duties, sitting with Jenny a few days after her last unsuccessful surgery. Shane took the opportunity to go on a bender, finding herself at Cherie Jaffee's place snorting lines off the strawberry peaks of her tanned tits. When she came down, she looked around at the devastation she had caused, the mess she was in—her life. And like, before, almost a year ago, she ran straight to the hospital.

 

****

 

'Wake up!' Shane's mind screamed but like always, she kept her true feelings tucked away. Besides, what right did she have to demand anything of Jenny now; Shane had abandoned her not only once but several times; her heart checking out on moments when she was needed the most.

“I'm sorry...you know I'm not very good with words but I wanted you to know that if there were something to forgive then I forgive you but none of that matters right now, only that wherever you are, you are okay,” Shane hesitated a moment, the things she wanted to say seemed hollow when not said in private but it was important nonetheless; she continued on. “I love you Jenny, I always will. There is nothing you could ever do to me that would change that.

She thought she saw Jenny's hand twitch. She leaned closer to the bed, waiting for another sign; one moment of hope for her to hold onto, but there was nothing. She felt Gail's hand on her shoulder and Dr. Mitchell's heavy footsteps following close behind.

“It's time,” Gail softly said.

If only Shane had more of that.

 

 

****

 

“You are my friend and I'm going to be here for you, whether you want me to be or not. There's nothing you can say that will change that,” said Bette her dark eyes soft and sympathetic as they rested on Shane sat silently grieving on the sofa; she was wrapped in Jenny's old afghan blanket; one she hadn't let go of until the day Jenny took her last breath.

As Shane's gaze traveled across the room, she met faces familiar and somber, calm yet serious. They were her friends, gathered in one spot, and for the first time she felt she really belonged among them and that they actually saw her; in that, she was grateful.

There were words afterward, each one from the lips of people she admired and had grown to love over the years. There was Max, cradling his son ,Jesse, against his chest. The sight brought a smile to Shane's heart when she thought of their first meeting and how harshly she had judged him. Then the voices changed, from Max to Alice and later Tina until the sounds became one. She felt their arms around her, although they had not moved. The idea of family that once seemed so foreign to her, was now fully realized. She choked back her tears, excusing herself to the bathroom.

Away from their sympathetic eyes and kind words, Shane let her emotions go. She brushed a soft corner of Jenny's afghan across her face, allowing her tears to soak into the fabric. Her heart swelled as her friend's voices drifted in from the other side of the door. The days to come would be long and hard, but she took comfort that she wouldn't have to endure them alone.

Jenny's final letter to her had been bittersweet. In the end, she admitted to what she had done with Molly but now, none of that mattered to Shane. She realized her love for Molly wasn't real. She thought it was, but if it had been, she would have fought harder.

What she had with Jenny was something different. She had fought for it, harder than anything in her life. She had battled to the end and in that she found something more; something she could call her own.

She finally found home.

 

©2010-2011 (as N. Mahana).

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story a couple of years ago at the height of my L Word fan euphoria. I did not have a beta reader, so I apologize in advance for any editing snafus. Thank you for reading


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